i wrote the below journal entry over a year and a half ago. it wasn’t meant to be published publicly when I wrote it, but lately, I’ve felt an urge to share it.
recently, i’ve had a lot of conversations with friends about fearing growth. of having amazing opportunities – to move to a new city, to start a new job, to go on a retreat, to make new friends, to become more independent – but feeling scared. scared of leaving your life, your self, behind as you forge ahead towards brighter horizons. even if that future is what you always dreamed of.
so here goes :)
11/29/22 – skydiving and growth and gratitude
it’s 2am, and even though tomorrow is a day that could possibly (very small chance, but possibly) change the trajectory of my entire life – and I should be well-rested for it – I am wide awake, writing this instead of, well, resting. it feels like the moment when ethan and I went skydiving, and I was sitting on that plane, knowing that in the next 20 minutes, I was going to jump and everything would feel different afterwards. tonight, I’m similarly anticipating something, but it will either be a jump into the complete unknown or nothing will change at all – I just don’t know which one.
it’s strange because I think I’m more scared about the possibility that this thing will work out and then I will have to decide whether I want to jump – to let go of (or at least distance myself from) some of the things and people that have made me the happiest over the last few months. it’s strange because I’m more nervous that the “good” thing will happen and that I will need to choose whether to let go of these really good things that I’m so, so grateful for, for this “greater” thing. it’s strange because I don’t know if I want to jump off the plane, so I almost don’t even want to have the choice.
i’m turning 22 in a few days (how?), and the confluence of thanksgiving + birthday + end of year always gets me in a very reflect-y mood around this time of year. I was telling shayana today about how this is going to be a “birthday blues” birthday – because this last year doesn’t really feel like a year worth celebrating for me. And then I was texting another friend later in the day and realized that actually, there’s a lot of good that came out of this year. and it’s not that there was bad and good and that they were completely separate. the bad stuff is why I have some of the good I do have now – or at the very least, the bad helped me learn to focus on the good I do have.
almost two years ago, andrew asked me what I optimized for above all else in life, and I said “growth.” I now know that’s a double-edged sword – I love that I’m always trying to become a better human, but I hate the pain and stress that I impose on myself, trying to grow, when all the other circumstances of my life make just staying afloat hard. in the midst of this year, I discovered a gratefulness for this life I’ve built for myself, even if the derivative is zero for the time being. but the contentness brought a fear of change, of rocking the boat – and I’m struggling to reconcile this feeling with the part of me that wants to keep evolving and learning and changing and growing.
who knows what will happen – maybe this time tomorrow I’ll read this and think, “oh how presumptuous and dramatic the shobha of 12 hours ago was, thinking she had any chance.” or I’ll be in the midst of making a massive life decision, which if I do make, will cost me a large portion of my current life, a life that I do really love.
at the very least, I’ve realized a lot about myself at the edge of the plane.
i love reading your reflections and how openly vulnerable you’re encouraging yourself to become❤️
CLICKED THE MOMENT I GOT THE NOTIFICATION